QUIT MAKING FUN OF MY HAT!
by Annebelle Kare
Summary: There's just one problem: He's... he's really not himself right now... A piece of mass chaos.
1. Of Projects and Schemes

**What would happen if in the blink of an eye, two very different fictional characters with one thing in common, switched places? And the only person who can get it back to normal is a struggling university student and an insane villain?**

**Let's find out, shall we?**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Pirates of the Caribbean, nothing from Les Misérables, and nothing from Mystery Men. Besides, there is only one thing I would love to own from those three, and it is legally impossible to own such a precious thing. **

_Port Royal_

Captain Hector Barbossa stood defiantly and undaunted at the top of the infamous Black Pearl, watching with a gleam in his eye as the several longboats began to return. He drank in the delicious sound of chaos, panic, disorder, and innocent screams that rang across the hills from the forsaken town of Port Royal. Nothing could ever beat prevailing over the Royal British Navy and causing melee in a no-name city randomly placed at the edge of the lapping waters.

Barbossa smiled, stroking the little monkey on his shoulder. It gave a satisfying screech and skittered about. "Yes, Jack," he spoke in a ragged, gruff voice, "soon, we shall have the final piece. And you and I? We'll be free man--and monkey-- to rule the seven seas. Nothing can stand in our way now..."

_France_

The evening was filled by the decadent stars as Inspector Javert peered into the window of the tiny hospital room. His cold eyes filled with a dark malice as he stared at the convict leaning over the bedside of the ailing prostitute. A fire sparked within his mind and he scowled. The wind blew fatally outside and he straightened the inspector's hat atop his head. If one was to make such an important arrest, one must look the part.

Javert had been waiting for this moment for years now: the moment where he would finally arrest Jean Valjean... or rather, number 24601. The inspector was just furious for allowing himself to be fooled along with everyone else that a convict had posed as a mayor! But no more. "Your end is now, Valjean," Javert hissed as he began to make his way to the door. "This I swear by the stars..."

_Kalamazoo, Michigan_

The little alarm clock read 12:31 pm just as Lucille snapped her laptop shut. She looked around the untidy dorm room in a daze, realizing that she had 30--scratch that, 29-- minutes to get to the large PAC to present her project. The class had been working on their presentations for weeks, and Lucille was next to present.

She smiled smugly, putting her laptop in her bag and grabbing her half-pound stack of notecards and a few dvds. "You've worked hard, Luce," she muttered to herself, putting her jacket on. "If Marshall doesn't give me an A on this, he has no life." Lucille flew to the end of the room and picked up her trifold and opened it, re-reading the title:  
"Change of Costume: The Analyzations and Understandings of the Many Roles of Geoffrey Rush".

"What could possibly go wrong?" She laughed to herself as she closed the door.

_Somewhere Unknown, even to this Author_

"What could possibly go wrong?" An impossibly old man rewound that last line on the screen before him and grinned to himself. He turned and switched on two more t.v screens, both paused at two different parts of two very different movies. Stroking his leathery chin, the old man thought deeply for a moment.

"What COULD possibly go wrong indeed..." he spoke in a voice that would remind someone of a cup of warm green tea...

...seasoned with cheyanne pepper.

An idea popped into the man's head. "Rufus, you old dog, you would ruin them all for sure!" He spoke to himself.

"... like I give a rat's ass, this'll be hilarious!"  
Rufus held up a gnarled, wrinkled hand and pressed a big red button on the triple dvd player.

Those poor souls never even saw it coming...

**Rufus... WHAT DID YOU DO!**

**This was being written out of sheer boredom and as a break from my normally not-funny self in the other POTC ditty I'm writing, "Peering Through". **


	2. Of Hats, Monkeys, and Dirt

**Alright, to settle confusion (I feel horrible when I confuse people...): I think it will be explained in the next few chapters, including this one. I suppose at the present moment, just read on?**

**Still owning nothing (curses...)**

"Ms. Adams, you are late."

Lucille stifled a rather hellacious growl at her professor, the incredibly painstakingly bald James Marshall. However, every moment counted towards an A, and her surviving her last semester in Western for the year.

"I apologize, professor, I could have sworn I was scheduled for 1:00 this afternoon," she pasted on a brown-nosing smile. "But I must have misheard--"

"Tick tock, Miss Adams. Go get set up in the PAC, the class will be there in three minutes."

"Right!" Lucille turned quickly and ran into the large conference PAC. As soon as the door was closed, the beast was unleashed.

"That goddamn sonofabitch, who does he think he is!" She began ranting as she stumbled around the room, setting up her trifold and hooking up the dvd player to the projector. "I slave my ass off for a perfect project bound to get me an A, on HIS favorite actor, no doubt, and what do I get? 'Ms. Adams, you're late'. I'm not even a Ms. yet, what qualifies you for a Ms! I swear, if I weren't a student and he weren't a professor, I'd grab that damned little pokey stick pointer he so likes to poke us with and jam it up is big, fat--"

"Two minutes, Ms. Adams," James Marshall stood in the doorway and arched a conniving eyebrow. "And next time you're having an episode? Close the door properly. We'll be waiting."

"...right-o, Sir." Lucille turned probably every shade of red you could find in a 100 crayola box... and maybe even a few purples, just out of anger.

She shook her head, took three breaths and turned on the dvd player. Her head swirling, opened a dvd case and took out the first dvd. "You want an analyzation of Geoffrey Rush's roles? Bog almighty, you're gonna get it," she grinned almost maliciously as she put Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl in and began flipping to his first scene...

_Port Royal_

The pirates just returning from their plunder couldn't help but notice that... there was something a little different about their captain as he stood at the helm.

For one thing: he had a very weird hat.

Most hat gurus (if there is such a title to be called) would tell you that he was wearing a hat based around the Napoleonic time, namely the Inspector's hat. Really, the Inspector of a town was... you could say he was the big cheese of the police. No body messed with the Inspector.

So... why on earth was Barbossa wearing a Frenchesque Napoleonic Inspector's hat?

...and where was his beard, for that matter?

Javert blinked and had to use all of his hardboiled stamina to not burst out screaming. He was no longer standing outside the hospital; if someone ever called this godforsaken spit of wood a hospital, they'd be beheaded on the spot. He seemed to be on a large... ship. Which was certainly strange as the little town of Montreuil-Sur-Mer, though probably situated near a body of water, did NOT host any ships with black sails.

And worst of all? There was a monkey screeching in surprise on his shoulder.

"What the--EGAD!" Javert leapt around, trying to shoo the monkey off of him. "Get off of me, you vile creature! You're probably covered in germs! GET OFF MY HAT!" Javert whipped off his hat and began leaping around in a circle, trying to beat the monkey off of his rather Napoleonic Inspector's hat. The monkey seemed to find this a game and commenced to scurrying up his leather boot.

"GAGH! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME, DAMNNIT, MONKEYS AREN'T EVEN NATIVE TO MONTREUIL-SUR-MER!" His fiery rage (Note: Javert never admits that he is afraid.. NEVER... he calls this... fiery rage) spouted through him and he began to have a level seven tantrum.

On the Richter scale of tantrums, it goes up to Seven.

"Um... Cap'n Barbossa?" The stout and stringy haired Pintel queried confusedly.

Javert paused and glanced over at the mass of dirt-ridden men standing before him. The speaker had a young, freshly clean woman gripped in his smudged fingers. She stared around with horror until she saw Javert... then there was just a lot of mixed confusion dripping from her honey brown eyes.

"Pintel..." Ragetti leaned over, scratching his eye, "...what's wrong with the captain?"

"THAT is Captain Barbossa!" Elizabeth pointed at Javert. "He seems... different than I imagined... more cleaner, if you will..."

"What the DEVIL are you talking about!" Javert roared, his hair whipped about his face in a most stressed-out manner.

"Well... he kind of LOOKS like the captain... if you look at him like this," Ragetti arched to the side, almost upside down. "They have similar noses..."

"But captain?" A man with yellowish dreadlocks cocked his head in confusion. "What happened to your beard? And what's with the weird hat?"

"DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY HAT! And who are you calling captain! I'm an Inspector! INSPECTOR JAVERT!" He began to stumble around in a daze, staring about him wildly. "This must be a dream... but if it were a dream, I'd have Valjean in my clutches! He'd be behind bars! And I'd be the very best Inspector in all of France. THIS DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE FRANCE!" Javert began to shake. "Count to ten... one, two, three--"

There was a sharp pain on the back of his head. Javert's eyes fluttered and he muttered something that sounded like... "bugger"... before falling forward in a dead faint. A very tall pirate stood behind him, his dark eyes, though normally strong and demonic, were also quite confused. "He was rambling... maybe he's tired, perhaps he should be put to bed..."

"Amen to that," half the pirates murmured.

Elizabeth just stared dumbfoundedly. "Oh god, what have I gotten myself into!"

_Back at Western University_

Lucille watched the screen with pure insane horror in her eyes.

"...this can't be right... J-Javert is in Les Misérables... Barbossa is in Pirates of the Caribbean..."

"Ms. Adams, we're waiting," Professor Marshall poked his shining head into the room, scowling.

"Five more minutes, sir! There's a problem with the dvd player!"

"Tick tock, Ms. Adams," he growled before closing the door.

Lucille quickly pulled out her copy of Les Misérables and put it in. "Probably had to much chili last night, everything is fine..."

_Montreuil-Sur-Mer, France_

"Inspector, this woman is-- Inspector!"

Jean Valjean (who at the present moment bore a striking resemblance to esteemed actor Liam Neeson) rose from the side of the ailing Fantine (who had a remarkable appearance to that of Uma Thurmon) to greet Inspector Javert with as much courage as he could.

Except... there was something definitely odd about said Captain...

Captain Barbossa burst into the hospital room. "Alright, where's the gold--" He stopped, his eyes widening.

This was certainly not the Black Pearl. The young man before him was certainly not one of his crew members, and the young, very sick-looking woman lying in bed was certainly not this Miss Turner that the pirates were dragging on board.

The man was certainly out of place. He stood in the middle of the room wearing his dirty blue coat. His beard was more tangled than ever and he had not yet picked the dirt out from under his fingernails.

And to top it all off, Valjean noted... that was no Napoleonic Inspector's hat.

He wore a large hat, the same shade of blue as his coat and... well... there was a feather in it.

"...you're not Inspector Javert..." Valjean muttered.

"Who!" Barbossa stared at him in confusion.

"Well..." the enigmatic man turned his head a little, "...I guess you sort of look like him... you both have similar noses... but, if you're Javert, how'd you grow a beard over night? And what's with the estranged hat?"

"MY HAT IS NOT WEIRD!" Barbossa roared. "And where is my monkey!"

"Oh dear God..." Fantine whispered from her bed. "He's not Javert... he's a... p-p-p-pirate!"

Barbossa rolled his eyes. "Of COURSE I'm a pirate." He quickly drew out his pistol. "Now WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY SHIP!"

Fantine began having convulsions from the pure fright of a) a pistol being waved around and b) the fact that Javert had possibly turned to piracy. Valjean went to her side, but it was too late... the poor woman was still within moments, dead from fright.

"...what's her problem?"

"You killed her, Javert... or whoever you are..." Valjean growled as he rose slowly. "YOU KILLED HER."

"Wha-- I did nothing of the sort! Unless she had the last piece of gold, I have no reason to kill her! --Did she have the last piece of gold, by any chance?"

Before Barbossa could do anything, Valjean grabbed him by the arms and shoved him face-forward into the thick wall.

"GET YOUR CLEAN HANDS OFF OF ME!" Barbossa roared.

"You will not be ruining our lives anymore, Javert!"

"MY NAME IS--" Unfortunately for Barbossa, that wall was particularly hard and stony. Valjean grabbed his head and swiftly knocked it against the surface. If anyone knows what happens when one's head is hit very had into a wall (or say someone has been hit in the back of the head really hard)... they a) pass out b) die or c) have one hell of a headache the next day.

Barbossa was experiencing point a right now, but would later experience point c.

_Back to a now very petrified Western University_

Lucille stared at the screen in a most petrified manner.

It's not that she was worried that, oh, two very prominent characters from two very prominent movies had somehow switched places in seemingly the blink of an eye. Nor that both were complete opposites, having only the actor who played them being their bond in common, and having a very hard time adjusting to their surroundings. Nor even that the plot lines for both films were probably royally destroyed now that two opposite characters were attempting to fill in for each other.

It was the fact that this completely ruined her final project and she was now doomed.

"This can't be happening... I NEED THAT A!" Lucille whimpered, rubbing her temples in utter shock. She could hear the impatient voices outside and began to think as quickly as she could.

"...No way in hell am I presenting this..." she whispered, taking out the dvd swiftly.

_Two Minutes Later_

Professor Marshall and an impatient class of aspiring actors and directors to an empty room with a few papers floating around.

"...Adams..." the lacking-of-hair man growled in a most sinister fashion.

_Somewhere Unknown to even the Author_

The impossibly old man Rufus was currently rolling around on the floor, laughing hysterically. "Rufus, you old coot, you've done it again!"

He glanced at the two screens, at both characters now slightly comatose. Then he turned to the third screen to see a young University student running down a long hallway, spazzing, cursing, and whimpering.

"I love my life," Rufus grinned toothily.

**I guess in order to get the full gist of this, you must be familiar with both Javert and Barbossa. Basically, the only thing they really do have in common is that they were played by Geoffrey Rush. There are several movies of Les Mis, but that one was just awesome.**

**More to come later. If you are really unfamiliar with Les Mis, here's a synopsis of the story: ****http/members. best wishes to you,**

**A.K**


End file.
